false idol – 3.4.2018

falsified

you stand, statuesque

in silver

your hands across your chest

prepared to impart upon your audience

your latest high-brow mystery

 

unknowingly

you speak with renewed

self-righteous fervor

your arrogance like coal

in the furnace of your chest

sputtering black clouds of truths and lies

you believe you were the first to find, but

 

falsified unknowingly,

you’ve lost your sunshine glow

and now you only stand still, shivering

in the gray shadow of

the past.

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your ex-girlfriend

i know her face now

i know who she is – who she was

in fact i’ve known for a long time now

and it was so long ago i found out in the first place

and all my vicious energy was focused on her face-

but that was before i knew;

thus, her face a blueish hue

her eyes filled up with you

and her heart was swollen too.

her hair, most likely long and sleek

her body thin and soft to touch

i knew that you liked her so much –

i didn’t want to see her face.

i didn’t want to see how different hers might be

from mine.

hers, surely sharped and edged

her skin smooth and radiant

her smile, one that made you smile-

no, i didn’t want to see her face.

and now that  i know (though then i knew), it only makes me think of you.

9-25-17

i think i know now why i held on for so long.

it wasn’t that your stories were so grand or your eyes so enticing,

not your laugh putting me at ease or your touch so inviting.

it was the prospect of your love that i was truly reaching for

no matter how i chose to look at you all i saw was an open door

to a world i’ve never known, but oh

i’m sure the grass is greener- they’ve told me that the air is sweeter.

in the end i could see myself living there with you,

and that golden sun ray floating in was what kept me

believing that this love was true.

deconstruction – spoken word

i still can’t believe that for a moment i believed

and now i’m here, just in time to see it all again. but now its new, and i’ll always be wondering, if i had acted first, would i be standing in her place?

i can see you doing everything with her, all the things i always thought we’d do

i can see you holding her and smiling with your eyes, while the daydreams that played in my mind, once in burning red and pink, are roughly shadowed out with gray:

my hands running through your hair, so soft i can almost feel it

your presence closer still than i have ever known it.

the memories that we would share, i built them brick by brick. tall and wide my tower of lies towers over me

and no one is here to see it cover me and

crumble

down.

well, this is probably a blessing in disguise (don’t i know it), oh block me from the world for just a few more fleeting moments

it’s all that i’ve been searching for these past few months of warfare, but God i never thought these bricks would be this heavy-

on my chest. my lungs are struggling to bring air in and out again, yes i can feel the panic setting in as brick by brick falls into place

my thoughts alone filling up the space, quickly

catching up this chase that i’ve been running for so long:

my worst fears

confirmed

in stone.

but didn’t i already know? yes, of course, but still- i even knew way long ago but hope was bright enough to keep this creeping darkness at bay, oh i thought you’d stay? how did i ever believe in that?

i thought you’d say all the things that i’d always dreamed you had

i thought you cared- for just one moment i swore you did

but here we are, my heart enclosed anew:

you are happy,

and i am a fool.

 

risky

[recording on soundcloud]

oh it’s only recently become clear to me how completely unprepared i am to even give a smile or hold your hand- oh, i’m lost. why are your words in some foreign language that i simply cannot understand no matter how many times; how many days and weeks and nights i’ve studied them.

[oh and why does this feel like the biggest risk i’ve ever met, oh, when i haven’t taken it yet?
and oh, i’m afraid i never will. oh, i’m afraid i never will.]

how can you be in two different places at the very same time? i see you everyday in my heart and in my mind. what are all these answers, oh where are you hiding them? tell me, where do you go when you want to be alone, and where do you call home?

[oh and why does this feel like the biggest risk i’ve ever met, oh, when i haven’t taken it yet?
and oh, i’m afraid i never will. oh, i’m afraid i never will. oh, i’m afraid i never will.]