afternoon shadow – 12/6/17

damn you for taking my memories

for putting your face into every dream i have

for finding belonging in all the songs i hear.

you’ve grabbed everything i love and shoved it into your closet; you’ve dog-earred the pages, you’ve worn out the CD’s, you’ve torn the edges

now the sign of you is too obvious to ignore-

everything is changed.

damn you

for still taking my mind

for using my time

to think thoughts about you.

and it’s not that i love you anymore

but that you wove yourself so deeply

into my life, my mind, my heart

that i am not free of you.

you’re like a shadow

in the afternoon.

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6/17

the place where i was is still where i am, but i am someone new (or at least i want to believe i am).

some days i heart the whispers of you on the breeze past my ears but i don’t listen. other days you’re like a soothing background buzz

and i lean in to the familiar hum of your presence.

most days, however, i don’t feel you at all-

i haven’t decided yet if that’s good or bad. after so many years of you holding my happiness in your hands, it feels a little cold without their grasp around me.

now you’re gone, but i’m still here

and i’d like to say i’ve moved on.

your room – 9/24/17

i could build a house with all these thoughts, fill it up with all my days.

i could build a room for you if perhaps you’d like to stay.

there’d be old wood on the floor since i’ve loved you for so long

and curtains on the windows i’ll keep closed when you are gone.

i’ll throw these papers on the walls, cover white with words of you

and maybe they’ll all make sense-

who knew that walls could speak so true?

i’ll make a bed for you to sleep in, stuff the pillows with your lies

so that you’ll feel right at home on top of all your loosely cloaked goodbyes.

i’ll paint a picture in a frame and leave it on the desk

of who you made me think you are, an open heart upon your chest.

i’ll leave it there for you to see, though you won’t recognize your face-

to see all the good inside yourself compiled in one place.

i’ll weld a lock upon the door, mold it with my all-too-trusting hands.

i’ll set the key down on the floor so you’re the only one who can

go inside, if you wish. i’ve been in there for too long.

i’ve sat upon the chair that you gave me with your songs

of better days and hopes and dreams. i felt your comfort in the creaks

of the dresser drawers you painted with your many gold beliefs.

i held your shirts in my hands to feel the softness of your voice

until one day i finally left the room, finally by choice.

though the room is locked and way upstairs, sometimes i hear you walking.

like a ghost inside my mind, sometimes i hear you talking.

but the words just drift away, much like you did overtime

so i open up the windows to feel the quiet breeze outside.

almost gone (unfinished song)

the rain is falling, and the porch lights off. the night is humming it’s summer song. oh, i’d always dreamed of moments like this but never realized their impermanence.

oh, the moon’s almost gone. oh, the moon’s almost gone.

you asked her a question once, and she’ll never forget the clear look in your eyes as it tumbled from your lips. she thought, ‘oh, there’s no way a night could be more perfect than this’,

but oh, the moons almost gone. oh, the moon’s almost gone. oh, the moon’s almost gone- and suddenly almost gone isn’t too far off.

goodbye

recording on soundcloud

i meant to say goodbye while i still had the time, but you weren’t ready for that- no, you weren’t ready yet. i meant to keep you close. no, i never meant to let you go so far away from where we were, and where we wanted to be- oh, i never meant to lose you. 

[but dry your eyes, oh i have said all my goodbyes years ago, back when i still knew the words. time is time and it goes by all on it’s own so why can’t we? why can’t we let go? oh, why can’t we? why can’t we?]

that familiar sense of home like a song you used to know. but you’ve forgotten since then, and it feels strange listening again. hot concrete beneath your toes; the smell of flowers ‘neath your nose will bring it all back to you, if you try hard enough it might come true. oh, i never meant to lose you.

[but dry your eyes, oh i have said all my goodbyes years ago, back when i still knew the words. time is time and it goes by all on it’s own so why can’t we? why can’t we let go? oh, why can’t we? why can’t we?]

don’t let it fall, don’t let it hit the ground. i feel much safer down here. don’t let them in, don’t let them hear a sound. i feel much safer down here.

[but dry your eyes, oh i have said all my goodbyes years ago, back when i still knew the words. time is time and it goes by all on it’s own so why can’t we? why can’t we let go? oh, why can’t we? why can’t we?]