crossed wires – 3.4.2018

we keep trying to make sparks

-or is it just me?

your honesty and my ears

are a thousand miles apart

-how long has it been since

you’ve told me the truth?

 

and maybe no one notices

and maybe the machine still works

lifting you up and carrying you off

and leaving me here to wonder

where you’ve gone

 

these crossed wires

are starting a fire

-that you’ve chosen to ignore

i’ll let it smolder on

from where it rests within my chest

until it finally burns through

and i am left

with

emptiness

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stay down (original song)

i learned how to touch the ground from the day that i was born. you learned how to fly instead, from the day that you were born. and “oh what a magical pair,” they say, “oh, they’ll complete each other one day, cause he’ll always come back and she can’t fly away.”

they say, they say: [the world looks bigger down here, and the clouds don’t really keep you down if you don’t think about it too much. its cold in the sky blue, and the birds look funny at you, oh it’s better to just stay down. it’s better to just stay down, stay down.]

we’d build castles high, we’d build palaces from the stones that you let go, and you tried so hard to show me how to release my grief. you told me how it felt to be high; to let the sun pull you up into the sky

but i never tried, no i never tried, i’d say: [the world looks bigger down here, and the clouds don’t really keep you down if you don’t think about it too much. its cold in the sky blue, and the birds look funny at you, oh it’s better to just stay down. it’s better to just stay down, stay down.]

oh, there’s monsters on the ground, there’s danger all around, but maybe it’s just in your brain. unlock the shadow gate and let them fly away, say all the things you didn’t say, cause:

[the world looks bigger up here, and the clouds don’t even keep you down if you don’t let the rain stop you. it’s warm in the sky blue and the birds fly with you, oh it’s better to not stay down, you better not just stay down, stay down.]

an honest ramble pt.2 – 1.18.18

i can write page after page after page on how i feel. at this point i’m probably just borderline cliché- a thesaurus for poems i already wrote about how you broke my heart.

i can write these words; i try to write these words, to find some sort of closure, to explain to myself how i am feeling, to let my brain catch up to my heart.

it takes me ages, takes me pages and pages and pages and yet i still write more. there is no muse i need but a blank page and this memory that i apparently cling to for dear life.

i can write another poem, just like all my other hundreds, but i’ll still feel a twist in my stomach when i remember the first time we met.

i can reorganize it all, put it into a book with chapters and themes, but i’ll still wonder why i love you so much when i watch you show me to my face how little it is you care.

i could print out a copy and bring it to you, and force you to read these lines of hurt, but i’ll still feel a start like a burn to my skin

when you smile and hold my gaze. when you laugh and cover your eyes. when you talk about things with me that no one else does but i’ve always wanted to. when you motivate yourself even though you’ve failed before. when you stand a bit closer than i expect you too. when you look at me too long and i wonder what you’re thinking of. when you go out of your way to make someone feel important because you know that we all need to sometimes. when you talk to someone else and converse with your eyes, and give them all of your attention. when you make an effort to be interested in what i love. when you look only at me out of a roomful of people and ask how i’m doing, in the silent breath between conversations.

i believe that you could care, but i scoff at my naivety when i remember the days i believed you did- in fact, i thought that something would happen. i really thought that something would happen.

bruised – 12.25.17

blue:

              sky

              heart

              hands around my brain

red:

              thoughts

              hurt

              wind against my face

black:

              waves

              days

              memories of you

i:

              am red and black and blue;

              the other colors left with you.

an honest ramble – 1.2018

 

sometimes its up, sometimes its down

sometimes i feel my eyes

soften as i look at you,

and sometimes looking at you

only makes me want to cry.

 

we talked about people who only

put their best foot forward,

and that’s what you do with me-

involuntarily, but still-

i only know the you that comes out in the day.

 

still i’d like to talk the day away with you,

would you like that too?

sometimes it seems as if you would

(but wonder if you really should).

 

i hope that there’s no part of me that

sticks out as a flaw,

because all i see of you is

tempered; cool and strong.

 

you’re an ever-present presence in my mind,

an always shifting mirage of a man.

you surprise me when i’ve set a boundary,

mostly on how i should feel for you.

i try to control it but i know i never do.

 

and yet i feel i know you like i

don’t know no one else.

and yet you make me feel like

a stranger, still, sometimes.

 

sometimes i write an angry poem;

but most of all my words are sad.

it’s only in these lines that i can

truly show my honesty-

if it’s tied up pretty with a

rhyme and a bow

then it doesn’t matter who reads it;

 

it doesn’t matter who knows.

but i could never say this to your face.

maybe that’s why i write so

goddamn many poems about you

 

maybe i hope that one day you’ll

stumble across a page

and somehow realize it’s you

that i’ve been in love with

all this time.

afternoon shadow – 12/6/17

damn you for taking my memories

for putting your face into every dream i have

for finding belonging in all the songs i hear.

you’ve grabbed everything i love and shoved it into your closet; you’ve dog-earred the pages, you’ve worn out the CD’s, you’ve torn the edges

now the sign of you is too obvious to ignore-

everything is changed.

damn you

for still taking my mind

for using my time

to think thoughts about you.

and it’s not that i love you anymore

but that you wove yourself so deeply

into my life, my mind, my heart

that i am not free of you.

you’re like a shadow

in the afternoon.

this place – 11/21/17

on sun-baked earth, the moss hides at the edges

under this wide-brimmed canopy, a luscious effervescence.

echoings of song bird calls are fading through the leaves,

soft like water left from rain, falling from the trees.

the wind may carry on its tide, woven in, a floating memory

your eyes may close a moment to try and grasp it with your thoughts

but the branches shutter and clack in the greenery above

and the memory slips away as you breathe out a sigh.

its as if you are the only one to ever stand

in this place

but you know that can’t be true, as the ground is packed and hard

you are just like all the others who found themselves

in this place

alone but for a moment, held captive in the space.

the air is clean and fills your lungs like water, overwhelmingly

the light above warms your skin, and slowly still, but suddenly

you feel as though you’ve left behind the doubts that won’t give up the chase-

and know that where you are is where you should be

in this place.