an honest ramble pt.2 – 1.18.18

i can write page after page after page on how i feel. at this point i’m probably just borderline cliché- a thesaurus for poems i already wrote about how you broke my heart.

i can write these words; i try to write these words, to find some sort of closure, to explain to myself how i am feeling, to let my brain catch up to my heart.

it takes me ages, takes me pages and pages and pages and yet i still write more. there is no muse i need but a blank page and this memory that i apparently cling to for dear life.

i can write another poem, just like all my other hundreds, but i’ll still feel a twist in my stomach when i remember the first time we met.

i can reorganize it all, put it into a book with chapters and themes, but i’ll still wonder why i love you so much when i watch you show me to my face how little it is you care.

i could print out a copy and bring it to you, and force you to read these lines of hurt, but i’ll still feel a start like a burn to my skin

when you smile and hold my gaze. when you laugh and cover your eyes. when you talk about things with me that no one else does but i’ve always wanted to. when you motivate yourself even though you’ve failed before. when you stand a bit closer than i expect you too. when you look at me too long and i wonder what you’re thinking of. when you go out of your way to make someone feel important because you know that we all need to sometimes. when you talk to someone else and converse with your eyes, and give them all of your attention. when you make an effort to be interested in what i love. when you look only at me out of a roomful of people and ask how i’m doing, in the silent breath between conversations.

i believe that you could care, but i scoff at my naivety when i remember the days i believed you did- in fact, i thought that something would happen. i really thought that something would happen.

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bruised – 12.25.17

blue:

              sky

              heart

              hands around my brain

red:

              thoughts

              hurt

              wind against my face

black:

              waves

              days

              memories of you

i:

              am red and black and blue;

              the other colors left with you.

afternoon shadow – 12/6/17

damn you for taking my memories

for putting your face into every dream i have

for finding belonging in all the songs i hear.

you’ve grabbed everything i love and shoved it into your closet; you’ve dog-earred the pages, you’ve worn out the CD’s, you’ve torn the edges

now the sign of you is too obvious to ignore-

everything is changed.

damn you

for still taking my mind

for using my time

to think thoughts about you.

and it’s not that i love you anymore

but that you wove yourself so deeply

into my life, my mind, my heart

that i am not free of you.

you’re like a shadow

in the afternoon.

chicago in the fall

[recording on SoundCloud]

when all your colors change, summers turned your stone face gray, overgrown with leaves. oh, i know how it feels to be walked on day after day. oh, the train’s leaving again.
when all your colors fade, whats left but to trade everything for a ticket to anywhere else? oh that’s what they all say, but day after day, the train’s leaving again. oh, the train’s leaving.

[chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. the yellow leaves beneath my feet, they ease the hurting. chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. you never ask for nothing in return; i’ll be returning in the fall.]

everyone is in their place. the space for space disappears as the time goes on. the clock ticks it tongue in shame; oh, you’ve spent it all away, day after day. and the train’s leaving again. oh, the train’s leaving.

[chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. the yellow leaves beneath my feet, they ease the hurting. chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. you never ask for nothing in return; i’ll be returning in the fall.]

how do these old streets sound? did you get to say goodbye? did you leave it all behind? there’s always one more life that you can barely see through closed eyes, but you try, and you’re always missing it, cause the train’s leaving. oh, the train’s leaving.

[chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. the yellow leaves beneath my feet, they ease the hurting. chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. you never ask for nothing in return; i’ll be returning in the fall.]

10/23/17

when you tell me stories it’s like a live performance

i can feel the energy of the crowd coursing through my veins

and the stillness of the moment as everyone holds their breath

and the singer announces his last song; the old favorite, and his voice is humble

the cheers echo in my bones

and the last chord he strikes rings out through the room and melts into the buzzing of the stage lights overhead

i want this moment to last forever

9/17

i am here. right now, we

i am here. the grass is green

and strong with its many summer

memories, whispering blades of

stories to each other as i listen.

the trees above are peaceful in the

friendship they provide;

overseeing younger beings

as we grow and shift

upon the ground.

the sun is shining still

and she’s been out all day.

the rays of her smile on my face

as gentle as a kiss-

i know that i am here.

right now,

when the sun and day and time align-

and suddenly, everything is bright.