chicago in the fall

[recording on SoundCloud]

when all your colors change, summers turned your stone face gray, overgrown with leaves. oh, i know how it feels to be walked on day after day. oh, the train’s leaving again.
when all your colors fade, whats left but to trade everything for a ticket to anywhere else? oh that’s what they all say, but day after day, the train’s leaving again. oh, the train’s leaving.

[chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. the yellow leaves beneath my feet, they ease the hurting. chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. you never ask for nothing in return; i’ll be returning in the fall.]

everyone is in their place. the space for space disappears as the time goes on. the clock ticks it tongue in shame; oh, you’ve spent it all away, day after day. and the train’s leaving again. oh, the train’s leaving.

[chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. the yellow leaves beneath my feet, they ease the hurting. chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. you never ask for nothing in return; i’ll be returning in the fall.]

how do these old streets sound? did you get to say goodbye? did you leave it all behind? there’s always one more life that you can barely see through closed eyes, but you try, and you’re always missing it, cause the train’s leaving. oh, the train’s leaving.

[chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. the yellow leaves beneath my feet, they ease the hurting. chicago in the fall, you’ve been so good to me. you never ask for nothing in return; i’ll be returning in the fall.]

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deconstruction – spoken word

i still can’t believe that for a moment i believed

and now i’m here, just in time to see it all again. but now its new, and i’ll always be wondering, if i had acted first, would i be standing in her place?

i can see you doing everything with her, all the things i always thought we’d do

i can see you holding her and smiling with your eyes, while the daydreams that played in my mind, once in burning red and pink, are roughly shadowed out with gray:

my hands running through your hair, so soft i can almost feel it

your presence closer still than i have ever known it.

the memories that we would share, i built them brick by brick. tall and wide my tower of lies towers over me

and no one is here to see it cover me and

crumble

down.

well, this is probably a blessing in disguise (don’t i know it), oh block me from the world for just a few more fleeting moments

it’s all that i’ve been searching for these past few months of warfare, but God i never thought these bricks would be this heavy-

on my chest. my lungs are struggling to bring air in and out again, yes i can feel the panic setting in as brick by brick falls into place

my thoughts alone filling up the space, quickly

catching up this chase that i’ve been running for so long:

my worst fears

confirmed

in stone.

but didn’t i already know? yes, of course, but still- i even knew way long ago but hope was bright enough to keep this creeping darkness at bay, oh i thought you’d stay? how did i ever believe in that?

i thought you’d say all the things that i’d always dreamed you had

i thought you cared- for just one moment i swore you did

but here we are, my heart enclosed anew:

you are happy,

and i am a fool.

 

falling for familiarity

everything is better now, and no one can argue with that. each day is a new dawn, but the sun still sets in the west. the breeze from all these open doors before me bring me peace when i need it most.

so why am i here missing you?

why does something feel like it’s missing without you?

forgive and forget isn’t simple, especially when you did nothing wrong; i broke my heart with my own two hands. but something about your smile brought me back again and again for another taste of the idea of you.

predictable, repeating days, for what seemed like years on end. back then, i wouldn’t have changed a thing. i was falling for familiarity, and you were falling for nothing. now you’re free.

so why am i here missing you?

why does something feel like it’s missing without you?

 oh, it’s easier to pretend that i’m someone new, and you can no longer touch me. but once the lights go down, i’m still just a girl stuck in the world she filled with daydreams of your love; not wanting to admit that she’s still longing for your touch.

so why am i here missing you?

why does something feel like it’s missing without you?

will something always be missing without you?

4/22 #3

it’s all over once i kiss you, its all over then. oh, its all over once i kiss you, its all over then. it’s all over then.

[you’re getting closer by the second babe, and oh, i can’t do anything…]

cause it’s all over once you kiss me, it’s all over then, oh it’s all over once you kiss me, it’s all over then, oh never let this end.

4/22 #2

i’m sick in love with you, and i know i left too soon, but if you can forgive me, please do, because i’m sick, oh i’m sick in love with you.

[don’t know why, oh, why this all happened; though i remember how you caught me in your trap, but i won’t blame, no i won’t blame it all on you cause it takes two, we know that it takes two]

i’m sick, in love with you. and i know that i left too soon. but if you can find it in your heart to hear me apologize, see me purified in your eyes, please do, because i’m sick, oh god i’m sick in love with you.

4/22

what would i do if i saw you there, oh, what would i do if you said you care?

what would i do if you opened the door, oh, what would i do if i got all i hoped for?

[i’d be a different woman, defined in your eyes, i’d be living a new, fulfilling life, i’d be smiling at flowers and dancing unashamed, i’d be a different woman, forever changed.]