deconstruction – spoken word

i still can’t believe that for a moment i believed

and now i’m here, just in time to see it all again. but now its new, and i’ll always be wondering, if i had acted first, would i be standing in her place?

i can see you doing everything with her, all the things i always thought we’d do

i can see you holding her and smiling with your eyes, while the daydreams that played in my mind, once in burning red and pink, are roughly shadowed out with gray:

my hands running through your hair, so soft i can almost feel it

your presence closer still than i have ever known it.

the memories that we would share, i built them brick by brick. tall and wide my tower of lies towers over me

and no one is here to see it cover me and

crumble

down.

well, this is probably a blessing in disguise (don’t i know it), oh block me from the world for just a few more fleeting moments

it’s all that i’ve been searching for these past few months of warfare, but God i never thought these bricks would be this heavy-

on my chest. my lungs are struggling to bring air in and out again, yes i can feel the panic setting in as brick by brick falls into place

my thoughts alone filling up the space, quickly

catching up this chase that i’ve been running for so long:

my worst fears

confirmed

in stone.

but didn’t i already know? yes, of course, but still- i even knew way long ago but hope was bright enough to keep this creeping darkness at bay, oh i thought you’d stay? how did i ever believe in that?

i thought you’d say all the things that i’d always dreamed you had

i thought you cared- for just one moment i swore you did

but here we are, my heart enclosed anew:

you are happy,

and i am a fool.

 

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empty room

i’m too tired to fall asleep; all i can do is think about you and everything you said. oh, wasn’t everything you meant a lie?

now i see, who you were to me- it wasn’t true.

i’m still amazed at this wall that you’ve built up piece by piece to somehow draw them in, yet somehow still keep everyone from finding

who you are, oh i should have known it from the start- it wasn’t true.

how wrong of me to assume that there wasn’t anything but truth in your smiles, and how foolish of me to fall for what felt like belonging in your eyes.

oh now i see, all that i believed… (it wasn’t true). this concept off limits; i never thought we’d reach this point. i don’t know what i’m doing; i never thought we’d reach this point. you’re fading to black and i’m fading to blue, oh- i never thought it’d get so dark that i couldn’t see you.

(it’s in this quiet,

it’s in this silence,

it’s in this empty room).

8/22/17

do i love you because i do or do i love the way you shine in the middle of it all? you draw in everyones eyes with your rolling laugh and easy smile. when you’re there we all let down our walls just a bit because we can; you make me feel like i know who i am.

do i love you because i do or do i love your open heart? the way you share your soul and story with everyone you meet. i wish that i could do that too, but the words don’t come as easily.

[but then i think, is this just your selfish side? is this a way to fill the silence when you don’t know what to say? are you so lost that you’re still searching for someone who’ll take pity on you? i am not her. i will love you for your heart. i will love you for your soul. i will love you for your words- but i cannot love your selfishness and watch you grasp ahold of everyone as you struggle to the surface. i cannot fill that void you’ve felt growing in your chest since you grew up and realized that you weren’t like the others. i’m no magician with a wand, no sorceress or medicine man- i will love you for your heart; but you’re the only one who can.]