‘How To Find a Man’ – a theatrical short

(Two 18 year old girls CECELIA and KATHRYN crowd around a magazine, each holding one side of it. The stage is dim, with a soft glow illuminating them from where they sit stage left on a pink bed. The bed is attached to a small ‘wall’ with posters and decorations. They are riveted.)

CECELIA

(reading from the magazine)

‘How to Find a Man in Five Easy Steps.’

KATHRYN

I thought it would have at least taken ten.

CECELIA

‘Step One: Dress your best. You want to look natural, but be comfortable in your own skin.’

KATHRYN

‘Step Two: Let him know what you’re looking for. Guys are stupid; you may have to give them a little nudge.’

CECELIA

‘Step Three: Let him buy you something at the store or restaurant. This lets him know you respect him.’

KATHRYN

‘Step Four: When you find him, don’t let him get away.’

CECELIA

‘Step Five: Stop looking. Often when you least expect it is when you actually find a man.’

KATHRYN

(looking at CECELIA with wide eyes.)

Is this really what it takes?  

CECELIA

How are we ever going to do all of these?

(Suddenly, lights flash crazily all over the stage, in different colors. Strange music plays, and the girls gasp, then laugh. The bed is turned around to reveal a door on the other side of the wall, which is painted to look like brick. A single bulb lights the stage from above the door. Before the music stops, CECELIA and KATHRYN come through the door, each dressed fully in detective outfits, both with pipes. A spotlight falls on them and they pose ‘Charlie’s Angels’ style as the music climaxes.)

CECELIA

Well, I guess we’re going to do it in style. Step One: Dress your best.

KATHRYN

Step Two: Let him know what you’re looking for.

(They ponder for a moment, stroking the pipes or their chins. A BUSY MAN walks onto the stage. The girls look at each other excitedly.)

CECELIA

Excuse me sir, we’re looking for an attractive man!

BUSY MAN

Oh?

KATHRYN

Yeah, have you seen any?

(BUSY MAN, offended, walks quickly off the stage. The girls look at each other and shrug.)

CECELIA

Guess not. Step Three: Let him buy something for you.

KATHRYN

(pointing up enthusiastically)

This shows him that you respect him!

(The girls begin walking slowly stage right. As they walk, the door/bedroom wall is rolled off stage left and a new wall is rolled on from stage right. It looks like a store, with a cash register and checkout counter. A man works the cash register. There are a few items displayed above the counter.)

CECELIA

Hello! I just wanted to tell you we’re here to let you buy something for us.

KATHRYN

(nodding)

Because we respect you.

CECELIA

It can be for either one of us. Doesn’t matter who.

KATHRYN

Or both of us.

CECELIA

Both would be nice.

CASHIER

(bewildered)

Miss, this is a store…you have to buy something.

CECELIA

(patiently)

But we respect you, that’s why we’re letting you buy us something.

KATHRYN

We could go to a restaurant instead if you’d like that better.

CASHIER

(obviously weirded out)

Is this some sort of weird date thing? Are you trying to ask me out?

CECELIA (ASIDE)

This one just doesn’t get it, does he?

KATHRYN (ASIDE)

We’re just trying to be respectful.

CECELIA (TO CASHIER)

(smacking the counter)

Well, obviously this was a complete failure. Never mind!

(The cashier begins to protest, but the wall is turned around to show the other side. He tries to come out from behind the register but one of the tech hands moving the wall pushes him back behind it. The wall that now shows has the front of a pirate ship, complete with mast, flag and steering wheel.)

KATHRYN

(yelling as if on a real ship while battling to control the steering wheel)

Step Four! When you find him, don’t let him get away!

CECELIA

(pulling out a retractable telescope and extending it, looking around the stage)

It’s been days, and still no spottings!

(The sound of car horns and city life can be heard. Actors start to walk across the stage from all directions, as if on the streets of busy city. They do not notice the ship.) 

KATHRYN

Storms coming soon! We’ll have to find one before long, or we won’t even be able to see!

(CONFUSED MAN breaks from the crowd towards the front of stage right and looks at his watch, then around the stage confusedly.)

CECELIA

(pointing the telescope directly at CONFUSED MAN and also pointing her finger)

Avast! Man ho!  

CONFUSED MAN

(looking back at CECELIA)

Excuse me?

KATHRYN

At last, we found you!

(The girls jump off of the ship and walk through the crowd, which has now dissipated, to stand by CONFUSED MAN. CECELIA puts her telescope in the coat pocket of a man in the crowd as they pass by.)

CECELIA

Nice to meet you, I’m Cecelia.

KATHRYN

Kathryn.

(They both stick out their hands to CONFUSED MAN, who looks at them for a second before setting down his briefcase and shaking both of them at the same time.)

CONFUSED MAN

I’m Doug.

CECELIA

(smiling)

Great. Got anything going on today, Doug?

DOUG

(looking at his watch again)

Um, no, not really.

KATHRYN

Fabulous. Because I’m afraid we can’t let you get away.

DOUG

Let me…get away?

CECELIA

Exactly. We can’t do that. Would you believe all day we’ve been searching for a man?

KATHRYN

And you’re the first one we’ve really found. So, naturally-

CECELIA AND KATHRYN

We can’t let you get away.

(DOUG is silent for a beat. He checks his watch again.)

 DOUG

Actually, now that I think of it, I do have this thing. It’s more of an, uh, emergency type situation.

(DOUG begins to leave.)

CECELIA

Wait, you don’t understand!

KATHRYN

(shrill)

Don’t try and mess with the system, Doug!

(DOUG runs off the stage.)

KATHRYN

(sighing)

I knew he wasn’t going to be the one.

(The girls both plop onto either end of DOUG’s briefcase, which he left onstage in his escape.)

 CECELIA

What kind of a name is ‘Doug’ anyways?

KATHRYN

(getting more shrill by the second)

The name of a no good guy who thinks it’s okay to leave you. Just to get up and leave you, just like that- and he always paid more attention to his stupid watch anyways-

CECELIA

(interrupting)

Kathryn. Get a hold of yourself.

KATHRYN

You’re right. Sorry.

CECELIA

This has all been useless, anyways.

(KATHRYN’s eyes go wide and she looks at CECELIA, who is sitting dejectedly. If CECELIA didn’t know what to do, KATHRYN was certainly lost as well.)

KATHRYN

At least we got these cool bubble blowers.

CECELIA

They’re ‘pipes’, Kathryn.

KATHRYN

Oh. Right.

CECELIA

How could we put all our hope into a magazine? Who even writes those articles?

KATHRYN

For all we know, it could be someone as clueless as we are.

CECELIA

It’s hopeless.

KATHRYN

(teary-eyed)

We’re hopeless.

(A MAN enters stage left and looks around, then see’s the girls and approaches them with recognition. At this point, CECELIA and KATHRYN both look pathetically dejected, so slumped they’re practically not sitting on the briefcase anymore.)

MAN

Hello, miss?

CECELIA

(blasé)

What?    

 (MAN brings out the telescope from his pocket and holds it out to her.)

MAN

I think you lost this. Doesn’t seem like you’d be able to find what you’re looking for without it.

KATHRYN

(wide eyed whisper)

Step Five.

CECELIA

Oh. Thank you.

KATHRYN

We have been a little lost.

MAN

(smiling)

Well, hopefully not anymore. Anyways, have a good day.

(MAN begins to leave stage left. The girls’ heads whip towards each other, and they scramble off the briefcase after him, yelling almost incoherently besides the occasional ‘We finally found you’, ‘This is just like it said’, ‘Stop running’, and ‘Your name’s not Doug, right?’ The stage lights begin to dim as the curtain begins to lower. It lowers almost completely but pools on top of the briefcase, which is in the way. DOUG pokes his head out onto stage, looking around with scared eyes for the girls. When he sees they’re not onstage, he runs out quickly and grabs the briefcase, sprinting back offstage. Blackout.)

THE END

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “‘How To Find a Man’ – a theatrical short

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s