9/17

i am here. right now, we

i am here. the grass is green

and strong with its many summer

memories, whispering blades of

stories to each other as i listen.

the trees above are peaceful in the

friendship they provide;

overseeing younger beings

as we grow and shift

upon the ground.

the sun is shining still

and she’s been out all day.

the rays of her smile on my face

as gentle as a kiss-

i know that i am here.

right now,

when the sun and day and time align-

and suddenly, everything is bright.

Advertisements

10-16-17

today was gray.

gray like the clouds hanging overhead, though the sun was determined to shine.

gray like the way i felt hearing about your life-

the life you’ve lived without me in it.

i’m not quite sure why i felt so entitled to your days;

i guess i cared so much i felt like they were mine.

all things fade to gray in time, that much i know for sure.

your stories in my mind were just a snapshot of the truth.

they’ve faded into black and white

and silent, now, they sound

like the rain outside upon the way.

i tried to cry.

today was gray.

9-25-17

i think i know now why i held on for so long.

it wasn’t that your stories were so grand or your eyes so enticing,

not your laugh putting me at ease or your touch so inviting.

it was the prospect of your love that i was truly reaching for

no matter how i chose to look at you all i saw was an open door

to a world i’ve never known, but oh

i’m sure the grass is greener- they’ve told me that the air is sweeter.

in the end i could see myself living there with you,

and that golden sun ray floating in was what kept me

believing that this love was true.

9-22-17

you say you’ve got it all figured out, but i can see through your skin. transparency was always something that you couldn’t help from coming easily. even though you didn’t let me in you let me knock upon the glass. i saw your room, cluttered with sadness, and the darkness clinging to your walls. your routine of motions like a list, waiting for to-do. you stick to it sometimes but its all too easy to let yourself give in to that carefully avoided but all too tempting sin. you forgot to turn the light off; i can see that you’re home. the summer storm came rolling in and now your window is broken. i can hear the song you’re singing but it’s not music to my ears. the syllables of silence sound all too familiar. you’re humming that old memory of wooden floors and autumns kiss; you’re filling up your mind with everything you’ve missed but you make no move to catch it- it slips through your fingertips and you’re staring out the window wondering how it came to this.

9-23-17

if i could describe the way that pink feels

the pink clouds above me and how my mind reels. my heart catching up to the words caught in my throat- if i’d known it called for rain then i would have brought my coat.

maybe blue this time, every day is new with you.

somehow the slate is clean as if we’d never met. is this always how it goes? well, i thought that i knew you so much more. and my skin ripples without the warmth of your familiarity.

did you know that you often make me feel gray?

i could steal the heat from the concrete sidewalk if i wasn’t wearing shoes. since when did i become this old

and lonely

and no one knows me

you didn’t even think to write.

when you take all the colors out is when i resent you most of all

where is my definition, soul- when did i let myself fall for someone who does not exist? the cruel irony of it all is that you’ll never love me back.

your room – 9/24/17

i could build a house with all these thoughts, fill it up with all my days.

i could build a room for you if perhaps you’d like to stay.

there’d be old wood on the floor since i’ve loved you for so long

and curtains on the windows i’ll keep closed when you are gone.

i’ll throw these papers on the walls, cover white with words of you

and maybe they’ll all make sense-

who knew that walls could speak so true?

i’ll make a bed for you to sleep in, stuff the pillows with your lies

so that you’ll feel right at home on top of all your loosely cloaked goodbyes.

i’ll paint a picture in a frame and leave it on the desk

of who you made me think you are, an open heart upon your chest.

i’ll leave it there for you to see, though you won’t recognize your face-

to see all the good inside yourself compiled in one place.

i’ll weld a lock upon the door, mold it with my all-too-trusting hands.

i’ll set the key down on the floor so you’re the only one who can

go inside, if you wish. i’ve been in there for too long.

i’ve sat upon the chair that you gave me with your songs

of better days and hopes and dreams. i felt your comfort in the creaks

of the dresser drawers you painted with your many gold beliefs.

i held your shirts in my hands to feel the softness of your voice

until one day i finally left the room, finally by choice.

though the room is locked and way upstairs, sometimes i hear you walking.

like a ghost inside my mind, sometimes i hear you talking.

but the words just drift away, much like you did overtime

so i open up the windows to feel the quiet breeze outside.

deconstruction – spoken word

i still can’t believe that for a second i actually believed

and now i’m here, just in time to see it all again; but this time its new, and i’ll always be wondering, if i had acted first, would she be me?

and i can see you doing everything with her, all the things i always thought we’d do

i can see you holding her and smiling with your eyes, while i’m left here, feeling like a fool, my mind filled with all the things i saw:

my hands running through your hair, so soft i could almost feel it

your presence closer still than i have ever known it,

the memories that we would share, i built them brick by brick, tall and high my tower of lies towers over me

and no ones here to see

it crumble down.

well, this is probably a blessing in disguise (don’t i know it), oh block me from the world for just a few more fleeting moments

it’s all that i’ve been searching for these past few months of warfare, but God i never thought these bricks would be this heavy-

on my chest. my lungs are struggling to bring air in and out again, yes i can feel the panic settling in as brick by brick falls into place

my thoughts alone filling up the space, quickly

catching up this chase that i’ve been running for so long: my worst fears confirmed in stone.

but didn’t i already know? yes, of course, but still- i even knew way long ago but hope was bright enough to keep this creeping darkness at bay, oh i thought you’d stay? how did i ever believe in that?

i thought you’d say all the things that i’d always dreamed you had

i thought you cared, for just a second i swore you did

but here we are, my heart enclosed anew.

you are happy, and i am a fool.

see

i’m too tired to fall asleep; all i can do is think about you and everything you said. oh, wasn’t everything you meant a lie?

now i see, who you were to me- it wasn’t true.

how wrong of me to assume that there wasn’t anything but truth in your smiles, and how foolish of me to fall for what felt like belonging in your eyes.

oh now i see, all that i believed… (it wasn’t true). this concept off limits; i never thought we’d reach this point. i don’t know what i’m doing; i never thought we’d reach this point. you’re fading to black and i’m fading to blue, oh- i never thought it’d get so dark that i couldn’t see you.

8/22/17

do i love you because i do or do i love the way you shine in the middle of it all? you draw in everyones eyes with your rolling laugh and easy smile. when you’re there we all let down our walls just a bit because we can; you make me feel like i know who i am.

do i love you because i do or do i love your open heart? the way you share your soul and story with everyone you meet. i wish that i could do that too, but the words don’t come as easily.

[but then i think, is this just your selfish side? is this a way to fill the silence when you don’t know what to say? are you so lost that you’re still searching for someone who’ll take pity on you? i am not her. i will love you for your heart. i will love you for your soul. i will love you for your words- but i cannot love your selfishness and watch you grasp ahold of everyone as you struggle to the surface. i cannot fill that void you’ve felt growing in your chest since you grew up and realized that you weren’t like the others. i’m no magician with a wand, no sorceress or medicine man- i will love you for your heart; but you’re the only one who can.]

gone with the wind (7/17)

i feel the air against my skin

warm, and soft, like your touch.

the gentle roaming cars pass by

towards the lazy afterglow of the sun.

i feel the air against my skin

slow, but fleeting, like your love.

straining, i can almost hear your voice

as it was on that night-

rhaspy as you tried to hush

to protect the silent stillness.

words you spoke

filled the sky above with stars.

the moons pale glow; lit up in your eyes-

(oh those eyes, i could stare into for hours).

i feel the air against my skin

just a whisper, then it’s past.

it’s gentle wandering makes me long for what

went by too fast.